French Mum, humanitarian, restless explorer and doer on sabbatical in Cebu (Philippines): one Attila in each arm, I am exploring the “toddlers safe” corners of the region, while trying to keep some room for Me.
Hey, mothers peeps, do you remember when you told the world you were expecting? how people were so excited and happy for you? I bet your Mum was over the moon too.. With a little sarcastic smile you did not notice back then, something subconscious that whispered “welcome on board, Kharma…”
I never realised all the doubts, the questionings, the pain I had inflicted to my Mother until I became one myself. My son is a typical man in the making, when he is tired he goes to bed. He is loaded with the self confidence of all the white kids in Asia (endless selfies with all the girls around, everlasting compliments on his white skin and his long eyelashes..). Astrology wise, He’s a lion, born the year of the dragon and his name means the Lion Man..
My daughter needs more encouragements to come out of her shell. She is more anxious, less confident so a bit more demanding. She already reached this age when she seems to be a totally independent person. With her own tastes, her own ways. I am looking at her and I see the woman she already is. There are (so many times) I can’t help the burst of emotion, I need to hug her super tight and tell her how much I love her. I so want everything to be perfect, to protect her and her brother from anything that could hurt their precious feelings. I want to be there all the time, ready to fight each and everyone coming a bit too close. It is hard sometimes, to be there without invading. To guide them without imposing my ways. I so want to be perfect to them. So they are always happy. Nobody warned me of the everlasting questionings, the anxiety, the fears, the total lack of confidence that would come with motherhood. And that I would become so emotional over nothing (can you believe I even cried when my son asked me to marry him?! he doesn’t even know the meaning of the sentence! )
I found this poem that my Mum shared with me years ago. Before I even thought of having children on my own. It did not make much sense back then. I guess I was too young to appreciate it. Things are different now and it felt so good to read it again. Moreover, to really understand it. It does make sense now. So My Attilas please bear with me, I am doing my best. When you’ll have children on your own, one day you’ll appreciate this poem too. I love you far far beyond the moon and back.
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