French Mum, humanitarian, restless explorer and doer on sabbatical in Cebu (Philippines): one Attila in each arm, I am exploring the “toddlers safe” corners of the region, while trying to keep some room for Me.
20h of yoga on Saturday and Sunday, plus at least 5h of practice a week, add all the poses to learn (eve-ry-thing about the pose, including their sanskrit name!), anatomy, philosophy, videos, articles, on top of which I added some additional readings. All I wanted to do with my yoga mat was to roll inside and sleep in for days. Where were the pleasure and the good energy I used to feel after a session? Where had the fun gone ? Hands in prier in front of me, my namaste had turned into a “MERCY ME!”
Blocked in EGOasana
The curious and motivated student had turned into an hyper stressed one, totally frustrated when she would not understand the posture right away, irritated by all the adjustments and desperately looking for an escape. All I could feel is that I was not enough. Not flexible enough, not able to remember any of those unpronounceable sanskrit names, not smart enough to draw a sequence in 10mn. My gigantic ego was in limbo.
Did I feel like quitting? Let’s say that I desperately fantasised about a sudden a job offer in NYC or in Paris that would force me to leave the country ASAP, without feeling guilty or losing face. “I really enjoyed this training but this job is the chance of our life, we really need to leave now, I ll miss you all so much!”
Namast’ay in bed!
So I decided to boycott anything and everything related to the 4 letters word.
No asana, no reading, no class, no connection with any other yogi afficionado, hence no facebook nor instagram, nothing!
The only practice still bearable to me was meditation. I really needed to find some clarity of thought again, by myself, at my pace.
For most of the first sessions, all I could hear was my ego shouting how pissed it was about yesterday. It was so loud that I could not even hear my breathing. But I did not give up. I scheduled my meditation sessions every day, same place, same time.
All I was doing was focusing on my breathing and simply noticing my thoughts and emotions. Eventually, I was feeling more calm and interestingly enough more balanced. The loud ego was out of sight. Maybe because it had no more audience, no one to scare or to please?
Restoring my intentions
I spent most of my newly free time painting with my daughter. No music, no chitchat, just the 2 of us on big canvas, immersed in splashes of colours, glitters, with papers and brushes all around. Totally in the moment, totally content.
After a few days, I felt like attending a class again. It was held by a new teacher and I welcomed the chance to experience something different. When she asked us to set our intention for the practice, I chose “to be in the present moment and simply go with the flow“.
At the end of the session, she asked us to do an ultimate stretch …”of the sides of your mouth up to your ears“. That’s when I recalled my intention in joining the teacher training: to deepen my practice while learning and having fun, so I could share it with my family and friends. All of a sudden I felt very grateful again for the chance to have the time to learn from the best, to practice with a healthy body and a happy mind.
We don’t always need to move our body to practice yoga
This little ego crisis has taught me a few valuable things, and I can see how the seeds planted by the teacher training are slowly growing : learning to be non judgemental, feeling compassion towards myself too, doing all I can to make it good and then, eventually, accepting to let go instead of overthinking a potential result. Like at the end of the good practice, welcoming the savasana. This little rest showed me that the way to restore my intention was to slow down all the things I was doing.
There is a time for everything, and it is to us to know ourselves enough to rest and unplug when we feel the need to. Ahimsa in practice..
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